Gospel hope for embarrassment

In our Bible study group right now, we're working through "Grace in Chaos: Biblical Hope for the Hard Days in Motherhood". It has generated some wonderful discussion and so much self-examination as well, as any good study does.

But there's an emotion I've been wrestling with on a number of different levels in the past couple weeks that isn't covered in the book - embarrassment. I've failed in hard-to-recover-from ways several times in the recent past, and I know there is Gospel hope for even that - but it has been hard to find. And so this morning, I realized that I needed to dig in. Discomfort, self-consciousness, or awkwardness - caused by my own lack of self control, lack of preparation, lack of ability to "read the room", lack of wisdom, lack of experience, lack of communication skills - this isn't a self-shaming paragraph but rather one that acknowledges - I know embarrassment is, in part, something I bring on myself. In other part, it is something that can be imposed by external circumstances.

Either way - once embarrassment has taken place in my life - what is the best way forward?

Confession has been a good first step for me - confession to God, confession to others - it doesn't erase things, unfortunately. It doesn't undo or rewind. But it does humble me, and humility is always the thing that puts us right where we need to be going forward.

Apologizing can be a step, but it isn't always. In the case that's primary in my mind, the offense was mostly against myself. I embarrassed myself; there is no one else involved. So then in that case - what happened, really?

I did not present myself as good as I think I am.

My search for Gospel hope in this moment this morning has turned me to Galatians 6:2-4:

2 Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. 3 For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. 4 But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor.

Why does verse 3 follow verse 2? Why is overconfidence, arrogance, self-inflatedness associated with bearing the burdens of others?

As humans, we naturally conserve energy. That is why exercise is hard - because our bodies are hardwired to sustain life - to conserve and not exert energy. In our human relationships, some of the same principles apply. We have this tendency to work just hard enough to be better than the next person. We don't have to be the best - we just have to be better than her. This is exactly what results in our feelings of personal goodness. We are comparing our performance to those around us, instead of holding Jesus as our example and standard for Christlikeness.

Bearing the burdens of others, lifting each other up, and choosing Christlikeness instead of "just being better than her" - all of those things humble us, put us in our proper place, exalt God, and remind us of our nothingness. And it is nothingness that makes us more able to serve God more freely. When I am not in self-preservation or self-exaltation mode, I have nothing to lose and so I am much more free in my service to the Lord. I am not trying to prove anything or be someone other than His servant.

So embarrassment has helped ground me again... remind me who I am and who He is. Even when I get accidentally embarrassed - I trip, I have a stain on my shirt, I say a person's name wrong - these are all things that humanize me. Embarrassment levels me.

Post-embarrassment, there's two options. One is shame and quitting. I've done that. I've taken the proud road, decided I'm too much, removed myself from the situation, and tried to make it look like everyone else's fault. It's tempting.

The other option is asking God what to do next, and this is always the right answer. No matter what the question is, asking God for the correct path forward is simply not ever going to be the wrong thing to do. One thing He did recently was patiently guided me forward in the situation, one painstaking step at a time. I could not see the whole picture, I did not know if resolution was possible, and I was certain recovery was definitely not. But today, I can honestly say there has been both resolution and recovery. I just had to keep seeking Him and following Him forward. Another thing He did in another situation was He woke me up in the night and simply said "I have lifted this burden from you". Of course, I still have the choice of whether to release the burden. Do I keep hanging onto it? Do I keep letting it define me? Do I keep trying to tell myself it wasn't as bad as I think it was, self-justifying? Or do I let Him just take that burden away from me? He is willing to bear my burdens too... now that's humbling.

On the way to school this morning, we drove past a neighbor's house who has plants in containers. I love the idea of container gardens. They are... contained. The weeds are more easily combated, the lines are cleaner; overall it's a nice and neat and prim and proper way to grow a plant, assuming you are good at growing plants (I am not). But they are also... contained. At some point, they are limited by their soil and surroundings and they simply will not grow as well as if they were planted in soil that's connected to the whole earth. As humans we are the same way. It would be easy to think we can blossom and flourish best in isolation - away from soil potentially contaminated by other people's imperfections or judgemental attitudes. But we are all made to grow from the same ground. We all do come from the same ground - the dust of the earth! And so growing alongside and with others is the way we've been designed. That requires us to bear with others, and for them to bear with us.

That concept is what gives me Gospel hope when I think about situations wherein others cause me embarrassment. What if one of my children does something that reflects poorly on me? What if my husband does? What hope do I have when I'm embarrassed by others?

One piece of hope is for me to remember that we are servants to each other (again the concept of bearing the burdens of others) and that is actual greatness - "But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave" (Matthew 20). As a servant, I have few rights and little dignity to uphold. Embarrassment is an affront to my dignity, but a servant mentality will lessen that blow significantly. On the other hand - embarrassment is an excellent teacher. When we are embarrassed by a situation, we are significantly more likely to pay attention to that behavior, parent better, target that struggle. There is a way to use it as a teaching tool for both of us without drowning my child in shame. But again - this requires humility. And there will still be discomfort for both of us as we work through the aftermath of letting each other down.

When we're low to the ground to begin with, we don't have so far to fall. That's not to say we should be wallowing in shame, but that it's good for us, every now and then, to remember where we came from.

Hebrews 2:5-9 tells us: For it was not to angels that God subjected the world to come, of which we are speaking. It has been testified somewhere,

“What is man, that you are mindful of him,

or the son of man, that you care for him?

You made him for a little while lower than the angels;

you have crowned him with glory and honor,

putting everything in subjection under his feet.”

Now in putting everything in subjection to him, he left nothing outside his control. At present, we do not yet see everything in subjection to him. But we see him who for a little while was made lower than the angels, namely Jesus, crowned with glory and honor because of the suffering of death, so that by the grace of God he might taste death for everyone."

Subjected, as servants, we are less likely to experience embarrassment. But when we do - the hope is this: God is mindful of us. Embarrassment is a temporary hit to our pride that refines us in the long term. It is a teacher, just like everything else we experience in this life, training us for better service and greater compassion.

As I examined my own embarrassing situations, there came to mind people who have experienced embarrassment far more public than my own. My attitude toward them suddenly changes from judgement into empathy, and a greater love for them as the human being that they are. It is hard for us to love people who we consider ourselves to be above.

But when we are on the ground, everyone is above us. Embarrassment is a means to humility and humility is always the way to Jesus and Jesus is always the way to everything else.